I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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