come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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