so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
