i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
