I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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