I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize