I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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