turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
