home. puking in laundry basket.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
