4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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