Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
