I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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