sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
