i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
