By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
