I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
