I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
