hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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