the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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