Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
