What a fucking waste of an outfit
I need to stop coming to work sober
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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