i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
