You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
