guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
