judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
