im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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