Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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