I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
