I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize