if i can run in heels then i can drive
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
