my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
