oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
People in love make me want to vomit
he puts the penis in happiness.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
