'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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