I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
