Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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