What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
