So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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