She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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