my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
