the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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