i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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