I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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