after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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