If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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