Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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