We won't sleep together?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
