I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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