Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
