You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
