He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
