god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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