Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize