Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
