When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
