I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My feet surprised me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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