I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
