I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
