I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
