Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
