ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
