How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
