You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize